The Fat Friend.

I can’t pinpoint the time in my life that I let myself go. I can remember when I figured it out though. Hubbs got a job transfer 5 hours away from home and the budget was tight. We ate what we could afford on his one income and it was hard for us to adjust. We were so used to two checks coming in a week. We ate a lot of spaghetti noodles and red sauce. No meat, no sides and water to drink. Lots of top ramen. We survived. It never felt like we were damaging ourselves. We were doing what we could with what we had.

I got a job at a day care making minimum wages. It was part time but no weekends so just what we needed. One day we took a field trip and someone took a picture. I couldn’t figure out who that girl was in the black capris. Then it hit me like a bomb going off in my heart. I was unrecognized to me. I was 50 pounds heavier then my wedding day.

Now to today… 1.4 pounds higher then I was then and 69 pounds higher then highschool. Two kids, still one tight income, and a lot more stress. Yesterday I went jogging with friends and they were impressed, inspired and I was heart broken. I love myself enough to make the changes I just don’t know how. I’m scrambling and barely losing weight. We ate better and our budget for food tripled.

I am done being the fat friend. I just want to be me.


Coke habit…( the soda )

I can’t remember the last time I had a Diet Coke. It’s been forever. How long is it going to take for the cravings to go away? I have a bad day and my mind still jumps to the thought that just a few sips could help the stress go away.

I fully understand that I self medicate. I have no idea how to fix it. I was thinking I could replace it with a healthy habit but I don’t know how to go about it. When I’ve had a bad day the last thing I want to do is add to it with trying to think through healthy options. Coke was easy, cheap, and effective. Food is easy, cheap, and effective, right up until I figure out that I’m adding weight and so more stress. It’s a vicious circle I’d love to get off.

La Frontera

Tomorrow I’ve got a date at my fav naughty spot. La Frontera for their smothered burritos. It happens to be my birthday and I realize that is justification. My last real diet was broken by this haven. Not one healthy thing on the menu. I can remember the awful meal I ate as my family enjoyed their meals. The Hubbs and I will be sharing a meal and the calories but still it will be to much. My one day that will probably set me back everything
I’ve lost this month. I’m struggling a bit with the guilt but I’ll go and enjoy myself.


We went to Seven Peaks today. Fun for me and kids. Exercise too. My daughter was telling the Hubbs about it. “There are lots of people like Mom, but not fat”. This is the memory of me I’m leaving for my kids. Life is crazy enough that I can just keep up. I feel like I need to add more exercise and planning to make some progress. Either that or just cry my self to sleep. My Mom invited me to a fat camp but it’s just not in the budget nor do I have a sitter. Guess it’s up to me.

Not worth it.

Just FYI I just broke down and had a maple bar. After eating clean it tasted like sawdust and overly sweet sugar. Not worth it at all.

weigh in

I hate to admit this but this month was a roller coaster and instead of me being in control it dragged me around. I understand this is a weakness of mine and in the past I have been trying to stop my life from becoming a ride. I now understand I need to learn to be in control while I’m on the ride. I lost 3 1/2 pounds this month. I had lost as much as 8 but gained it back when life got crazy. This month I’m going to try to plan more meals out well before so I can grab a cooler and go instead of depending on the best things fast food has to offer.

I still have not had a Diet Coke or soda at all which is huge for an addict.